As the magnificent Magpie explained, I was unable to fulfill my Monday blog commitments this week because I was “in the air (inside of a plane)”. I have since survived – pause for Peachy Is Back celebration dance – and used part of the not-at-all soul destroying 28 hour journey to conjure a mini rant.
If you’re reading this, the chances are that you’ve flown or will fly at some point in your life. On average, i’ve flown twice a year since I was 14 months old. Why? My parents like to travel. Some kids had the latest gadgets, gizmos and trends, we had budget family holidays that came with priceless memories. But as i’ve grown older, i’ve not only inherited their love of travel but come to hate the shit out of flying. As an antisocial, uncoordinated, and graceless kind of creature, any prolonged period of time spent in a confined space with smelly strangers is pure torture.
Yet i’d like to think that i’m a pretty respectful, efficient and practical passenger, so am constantly baffled by the people who take it upon themselves to poo on everyone elses day. Is it me or do they give the impression of having done research? Is there a list titled “How to Be Unpopular On An Airplane” that a close network of underground life ruiners swear by on the third moon of the harvest before taking to the skies?
I’ve decided to reinvent that list, based on my unfortunate experiences with fellow passengers, with some comedic imaginings thrown in. This could backfire and I will have created a whole flock of people to plague my plane journeys. (Masochist. Was masochist in my list of attributes, too?) But nevertheless, here is a list of fifteen things to do if you want to be extremely hated on your next flight. Who wouldn’t want that? :
How to Be Unpopular On An Airplane:
- Don’t shower for at least 3 days before the flight. It’s better that way.
- When the flight attendant is giving the safety presentation, get up and help.
- The minute meals are served to the people behind you, put your seat right back so that their coffee spills everywhere and they have to eat their delicious airplane food like a meerkat.
- Stretch. Rest your hands on the back of your chair so that they completely obscure whatever hilarious new release the person behind you is trying to watch: “My pinky is Jim Carey now.”
- Snore. Sneeze. Sniff. Loudly. Often.
- Acquire a young child and hope that it cries for 7 hours straight. If your child is old enough to walk, let it run its tears off allll around the cabin.
- Laugh hysterically. At the flight map screen.
- Be overweight, and complain about the people sitting next to you taking up too much room.
- Stand in the aisle for a good twenty minutes doing circulation exercises. Bonus points for the number of times you a) stick your butt in someones face or b) elbow a sleeping passenger.
- Whistle ‘Leaving On A Jet Plane’ regularly, adding unnecessary trills and manufactured harmonies at leisure.
- Scream during takeoff. And landing. And turbulence.
- Wear tight clothing and high heels on long haul flights.
- Take your time with everything you do, especially collecting baggage from the overhead bins and leaving/entering the plane.
- Breathe on people.
- Learn the names of everyone in your row. Regardless of their names, regularly lean across the other passengers and say “did you see that Phil?” to no one in particular.
The joys of flying.
Until teleportation is commercialised,
Jetlagged Peachy x