Recently, my curiosity got the better of me. I googled the phrase ‘Alcohol addiction quiz,’ you know the one that asks if your drinking interferes with or prevents certain normal behaviours, or promotes abnormal ones. Purely for curiosity’s sake, I took the quiz and scored 9 out of 20. Answers.com helpfully informed me that
“According to the Office of Health Care Programs, Johns Hopkins University Hospital, developers of this screening quiz, if you answered as few as 3 of these questions with a Yes it is a definite sign that your drinking patterns are harmful and considered alcohol dependent or alcoholic. Since you answered more than 3 questions Yes you should seek an evaluation by a healthcare professional.”
Under the terms defined by Johns Hopkins University, I am an alcoholic. Or, I would be, if I hadn’t replaced ‘drink(ing) alcohol’ with a completely different activity.
I bet you can’t guess what it is. (Disclaimer: it is not a harmful substance or activity. It’s okay, kiddies, ol’ Magpie hasn’t been at the blow, drinking like a fish or smoking like a chimney. Trust me, I ain’t built for that shit.)
The results of the quiz have made me aware of a situation that Peachy has been trying to alert me to for some time. I’m addicted to the buying and wearing of animal-motif clothing and accessories. Not animal print, like leopard, zebra or snake skin. I mean like pictures and representations of various critters.
At last count, I have one penguin shaped phone case, one pair of earrings shaped like parakeets, a ring with a giant rabbit on it, a ceramic pendant with a tiny triceratops stamped on it, a dress with hundreds of tiny rabbits printed on, a panda t-shirt, a puppy print blouse, rabbit pyjamas (affectionately referred to as my Bitchin’ Bunny Jammies,) a bag with a pink flamingo and a polar bear jumper. I’m pretty sure that’s not even everything. I’m choosing not to include my absurd collection of things shaped like elephants/with elephants on them.
I know it isn’t really comparable to the damage potential of substance addiction, but boy is it embarrassing in light of the following:
Has buying/wearing/coveting items with animals on them impacted your reputation? Yes. I am now known by friends and acquaintances as “You know, the one who wears a lot of stuff with cute animals on it.” So, not negatively, I would argue, but still.
Do you feel remorse after buying/wearing/coveting items with animals on them? Of the financial variety, only after buying.
Have you had financial difficulties as a result of buying/wearing/coveting items with animals on them? See above, and please refrain from judging me.
Do you turn to inferior companions and environments while buying/wearing/coveting items with animals on them? Yes, one time I went to Valleygirl.*
Does buying/wearing/coveting items with animals on them make you careless regarding the welfare of you family and/or friends? “Magpie, I cut my hand- do you have a band aid?” “What? I can’t hear you over HOW AWESOME MY PARROT EARRINGS ARE!”
On the whole, I feel like it could be worse. They say the first stage is admitting to your addiction, and I… have done nowhere near enough research to know what the second step is. Oh, come on. This is a blog, not the… the… I can’t actually think of a reputable Australian news paper with a history of high quality fact checking. I’m only magical every second week.
*I was drawn in by an offending item. I left wearing it. (I paid for it first, obviously. I had to ring my parents and ask them for the $30, but I’m a uni student AND I HADN’T BOUGHT ANYTHING WITH AN ANIMAL ON IT FOR A REALLY LONG TIME. Nor had I bought anything with much nutritional content. Education is a double edged sword.)